Adoption: Understanding Attachment

Adoption can be one of the most rewarding and incredible experiences of a lifetime, but that doesn't mean that it might not have its share of challenges. Most of the time, those who choose to adopt have the best intentions. However, those good intentions can sometimes bring heartache to their family if they are not coupled with a clear understanding of adoption related issues. As a licensed social worker and adoption assessor, I have had the opportunity to interview more prospective adoptive parents than I can count. Being able to help grow families through adoption is a privilege and is a task that I take very seriously. Bringing a child into the family who has been exposed to neglect and/or abuse could potentially destroy a family if the family is not properly prepared to handle some of the issues that may come with their adopted child, including attachment issues.

When babies are born, they are taught certain behaviors. Think about it: the baby has a need, the baby cries, the parents meet the baby's need. Through this process, the baby begins to trust that her parents will meet all of her needs. If for some reason, the baby's needs are not met, the baby never develops the ability to form a trust. This interruption also causes the child to lack an attachment to her caregiver. The baby has a need, the baby cries, no one meets her need, so the baby learns to self-soothe. What are possible consequences of not being able to trust or form an attachment? When this child is placed in a home with a loving family, the child does not know how to develop a bond with her adoptive parents. Because of this, the child will sometimes display manipulative behavior, disobedience, anger, and sometimes violence. I have seen the closest families struggle to hold their families together because of the behavior of their adopted child. The good new is, with proper education and support, children have the ability to re-learn how to trust and form healthy attachments.

When preparing to adopt, education is imperative. There are many online resources that offer informative courses. Local adoption agencies, often county agencies, also offer trainings that are geared to prepare prospective adoptive parents for the challenges of adoption. Another helpful source is your adoption social worker. While going through the process to become approved to adopt, your social worker will ask you many, many questions that will be geared toward your preparedness to adopt. It is the social worker's job to make sure you fully understand the potential issues that sometimes come with adoption and to make sure you have realistic expectations. This is your opportunity to ask the worker any questions that you may have regarding any of the information you have learned throughout your trainings.

There are many signs to look for that can signal whether or not your child has been able to form attachments with caregivers. Does the child show signs of grief when separated from the primary caregiver? Signs of grief can include crying, eating issues, screaming, and withdrawal. Does the child recognize appropriate boundaries around strangers, or does she ignore the boundaries and approach strangers? If your child has displayed grief and recognized appropriate boundaries with strangers, then they most likely have a strong ability to form a bond and attachment with the family. However, if the child does not display grief after separation from the caregiver and does not recognize appropriate boundaries, the child most likely will have a difficult time forming an attachment.

If the child has attachment issues, this does not mean that they will never be able to form a bond with their adoptive parents. It does mean that the parents will have to focus and work extra hard to foster the attachment process. Even if there are no signs of attachment issues, great care should be taken to form an attachment with the adopted child from the beginning of placement. Some ways that this can occur include, but are not limited to:

• Make sure the parents are meeting the needs of the adopted child. Although it may be easy to ask others for help (older children, grandparents, etc.), it is very important that your child begin to trust you and to recognize that you are her parents.
• Spend time making physical contact with your child. Be sure to show affection, hold the child, cradle the child, rock the child, etc. Of course, if your child has been abused, especially sexually, make sure that the affection shown does not cause the child to become uncomfortable. Start out more slowly, perhaps placing a hand on the shoulder or arm, or making eye contact.
• Limit the amount of physical contact that others give to the child. Do not allow others to pick up the child or hold her in their lap. This one is a tough one to explain to the grandparents, but it is important that the child forms a strong bond with you first. Only after she is able to recognize you as her parents, then it would be acceptable to allow others to have more physical contact.

In most of the placements I have worked with, the family is able to work through these issues and form a strong bond and attachment with each other. In some circumstances, I have had to refer the family to a counselor who specializes in adoption and attachment issues. There are always resources available to adoptive families. If the family is having a difficult time, it is imperative that they utilize them to have a successful transition.